My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
