oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
