I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Welp...herpes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
