Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
