I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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