I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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