I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
