tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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