So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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