Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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