Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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