Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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