I met the friendliest cop last night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
