girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
