I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
