Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
