They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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