I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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