How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
