I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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