I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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