what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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