you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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