Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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