I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
