the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
