my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
