3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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