im having a threesome with these popsicles
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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