THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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