Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
