Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
