A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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