I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
