You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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