To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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