The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
