my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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