fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
