It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
