at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's never too late to be topless.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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