I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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