i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
