Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
