I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
