it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
