I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
