does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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