If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
