Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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