This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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