I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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